[cue some Law and Order music here]
Crime Scene: The kitchen, just minding my own business, putting together a salad that would include fresh avocado slices. I pulled my avocado slicer out of the drawer to finish the salad. (Coe will tell you that I own every possible kitchen gadget there is, but that’s a scurrilous lie – there are lots of kitchen gadgets I don’t own*[yet]).
The Motive: Avocados, as everyone except the maker of my avocado slicer knows, are fatter at one end than the other. My avocado slicer is [was] shaped more roundy, like an orange. Hence, the slicer, again, doesn’t fit the halved avocado correctly. And this has been a continuing source of annoyance, otherwise known as “extenuating circumstances.”
The Crime: No problem, I think (although clearly not through to the logical, tragic conclusion). The slicer frame is just cheap, flexible aluminum. I can Fix This Problem. With just a biiiiiit of adjusting, the slicer can be molded to the correct avocado shape, otherwise known as “self-defense.”
Voila! [always practicing my French]
The Investigation: One does not need to be a trained criminal investigator to note the discrepancies in the “before” and “after” crime scene photos. The frame is, indeed, a bit more avocado shaped, but the slicer has now become a mangler. As I was the last person to see the avocado slicer in its original condition, I am now what is otherwise known as the “prime suspect.”
The Defense: The evidence clearly supports finding that kitchen gadget makers who sell avocado slicers to fit oranges are just crazy. And, anyone could reasonably foresee that such actions would drive normal, insane people to Fix This Problem, otherwise known as “provocation.”
The Verdict: My actions were completely justified, otherwise known as “not guilty by reason of being driven further insane.”
Time to drink wine to celebrate exoneration!
*sidebar: and now that the avocado slicer is dead and buried, that is one more kitchen gadget I don’t own. No worries, Coe. I’m really handy with knives.