Pie in the Sky

blackberry pie1
This will NOT make you feel fashionable

The only thing as annoying as a Bad Hair Day is a Bad Outfit Day. And today, I’m having both.

The hair, of course, has been a lost cause since my Last Official Haircut and Style Ever™, which ended with this disaster. And now my roots are way overblown and I have this ridiculous ring where the real color and the fake color meet somewhere around 3 inches from the crown of my head. And seriously? It doesn’t look one damn bit worse than it did after I dropped $300 of my hard-earned wine money on services and products to get that lousy haircut. And yes, anyone stupid enough to drive to St. Louis and spend that kind of money on hair services deserves what she gets. I might as well have helped the Official Minister from Nigeria smuggle his fortune to America by giving him access to my bank account.

Henceforth, I refuse to spend another dime trying to “fix” this hair. Same unsatisfactory outcome, only this time it’s free.

I am now honing the talent of combining the Bad Hair Day with the Bad Outfit Day. It isn’t as difficult to achieve as one might think. It merely requires choosing the skirt that looks much better on the hanger than off, then combining it with the lacy black top that doesn’t quite pick up the theme of the skirt, throw on the black jacket that looks good with everything except this skirt, add the wrong shoes, and you are set for the day!

In your little haze of self-obsession, it is possible that you may find yourself unconsciously induced to use your vague, unexplainable irritation to justify eating one of those fruit pies pictured above, possibly lurking in a vending machine near you. I know because I succumbed. I haven’t had a fruit pie in years and don’t they just look soooooo lip-smack’n good? (I’m from Illinois – we drop our “g”s here).

Well, here’s a clue. Save your $1.35. Because they are not. Not good. Not good, at all. They are cloying, disgusting 400 calorie packets of high fructose corn syrup and a bunch of other stuff that is the exact opposite of delicious. They make your teeth hurt, leave your mouth with a plastic-y coating feel, and give you an upset stomach. I sacrificed so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

Obviously, the only way to salvage this Bad Hair, Bad Outfit, Bad Fruit Pie day is to wash it all away with some damn fine wine. The antidote, 2014 Corbieres La Petite Muraille, is in hand. And tomorrow?

Thank God It’s Jeans Friday.

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